In motorsport, as in life, it’s important to take the rough with the smooth. Or, failing that, go completely mental, whichever you prefer really…
Sebastian Vettel might feel a little aggrieved. He won the Monaco Grand Prix after a titanic, nail-biter of a race, but on Monday morning everyone was talking about the man who finished sixth.
It’s mostly because Seb stayed out of trouble, whereas Lewis Hamilton spent the afternoon bullying Michael Schumacher into submission, swatting one rival aside, pushing another into the wall and then storming back to the paddock to question his victim’s talent, accuse the stewards of something pretty nasty and disappear under his own little thundercloud back to the McLaren Brand Centre, at which point McLaren’s communications team presumably shot him with a horse tranquiliser and locked him in a cupboard for his own protection.
We know Lewis was making a joke – but as the demographic that watches Ali G is not the same as the one that watches Formula One, it wasn’t a very good joke in the circumstances. But he’d had a rotten weekend: bad luck in qualifying meant he got stuck in the midfield and a race he had expected to win became a scrap for a few points. Maybe he shouldn’t have lost his rag, but at least he’s in good company.
DC vs Enrique Bernoldi, Monaco 2001
Step forward David Coulthard. Around the turn of the century, DC was supreme around the streets of his adopted home. He won the race in 2000 and 2002 and gave Red Bull Racing their first podium there in 2006. In 2001, he started from pole – or he would have done had his McLaren’s electronics not left him stranded on the grid. When the irate Scot finally got moving he was dead last. Carrying a tanker full of fuel he came up on the back of the Arrows of Brazilian rookie Enrique Bernoldi, where he stayed for half the race as Bernoldi held his line. Coulthard finally passed and eventually managed fifth, but after the race the usually genial DC was fuming. “He was trying to wallow in some kind of glory by holding me up. The sporting gesture would have been to pull over... he's not a man, he's an idiot.” The general consensus was against the Brit, reasoning that staying ahead of the bloke behind you is usually called ‘racing’.
As for Bernoldi, his lasting legacy was to have his name turned into a verb: as in Karan Chandhok of HRT being informed he’d start the 2010 Monaco Grand Prix ahead of of Fernando Alonso and saying : “Shit! Maybe I can completely Bernoldi him!”
Michael Schumacher vs DC, Spa 1998
Whatever DC wanted to do to Bernoldi, it’s a good bet Michael Schumacher wanted to do the same to DC a few years earlier in Spa. As if a race where you end up with not one but two destroyed F1 cars wasn’t bad enough for David, the sight of an angry German man barging into your garage may have been the icing on the cake. The 1998 Belgian Grand Prix was so wet it should have been held in a swimming pool. The first attempt to start it had ended with a 13-car pile-up just after the first corner. The second attempt got away, but the race would have been better run with oars rather than engines.
Schumacher was supreme in the rain and was leading comfortably when he came up to lap Coulthard. DC slowed, but stayed on the racing line, Schumacher didn’t see him in the spray and plowed into the gearbox of the McLaren. They both limped back to the pits where Schumacher, convinced that DC had been trying to injure him, stalked down to McLaren looking for a fight. But the short walk in the pouring rain seemed to cool Schumacher’s temper and by the time he got within swearing distance he had the look of a man inwardly begging his friends to step in and pull him away.
Ayrton Senna and Eddie Irvine, Suzuka 1993
Aryton was on his way to a victory Suzuka in a race where his sternest test was debutant Eddie Irvine.
Irvine was battling Damon Hill for the minor placings when Senna came up to lap the pair of them. Eddie let Senna though, but Hill, knowing his team-mate Alain Prost was catching Senna for the lead was not so obliging. Seeing his points slipping away, Irvine nipped back past Senna to unlap himself, and resume snapping at Hill’s heels. An irate triple World Champion went down to the Jordan motorhome afterwards, intent on giving the greenhorn a stern talking to.
The conversation didn’t go as Senna planned, and finished with the Brazilian thumping the Ulsterman. There’s a transcript of the conversation in wide circulation, though its accuracy is a matter of some debate. Of the other people in the room, one is still driving in F1, another is now the technical director of Toro Rosso and a third is the FIA’s director of communications. They all agree Senna seemed a bit angry…
Heidfeld vs Japan, Shanghai 2006
Nick Heidfeld is perhaps the most laid back driver in F1, so the sight of Nick getting up in somebody’s grill is an eye-opener. It happened at the 2006 Chinese Grand Prix when the Beast of Mönchengladbach drew himself up to his full five-feet-four-inches and charged down the pitlane to berate Sakon Yamamoto with a surprisingly firm grasp of Anglo-Saxon swearing.
Going into the last lap, Heidfeld was fourth with a train of cars breathing down his neck. He looked to have it under control until the second to last corner where a wandering Super Aguri, two laps down, failed to get out of the way. In the ensuring chaos, Heidfeld got thumped by a Honda and finished the race seventh. “I was just furious, I think once or twice he tried to say something but I just didn't let him speak,” said Heidfeld. Nick admitted later that he became more and more angry as Yamamoto patiently took the abuse, while giving every indication that he had no idea what Heidfeld was talking about, which he didn’t, as Heidfeld had actually been blocked by the other Super Aguri of Takuma Sato…
Fisichella vs Villeneuve, The Nürburgring 2006
Of course, you don’t have to be racing to get all hot and bothered at being blocked by a slower car. In 2006, when the Renault was a mighty beast, Giancarlo Fisichella came upon the dawdling Sauber-BMW of Jacques Villeneuve while attempting to qualify for the European Grand Prix. When the hand gestures didn’t do the trick, Fisi simply went down to Villeneuve’s garage and gave him both barrels in person. In between expletives, the Italian forcefully made the point that he’d been eliminated because of Villeneuve’s antics. Jacques didn’t really have much of an opportunity to respond at that point, as he was busy preparing for the next qualifying session…
Nelson Piquet vs Eliseo Salazar, Hockenheim, 1982
Finally, the granddaddy of them all. Nelson Piquet was comfortably leading the German Grand Prix when he came to lap Eliseo Salazar. A misunderstanding saw the ATS clip the flying Brabham and dump both cars into the barriers. Thick-witted yes, but definitely not a good enough reason for Nelson to go all Playground Kung Fu. Salazar doesn’t retaliate, whether because he was too busy laughing at Piquet’s fighting style or through common decency at the thought he’d taken out a) the race leader, b) the reigning world champion or c) his good friend who was instrumental in getting him over to Europe in the first place.
Once he’d calmed down, Piquet phoned Salazar to apologise, but the damage was done: three-times world champion he may be, but Nelson Piquet will always be known as the racing driver who fights like he’s just finished third in a teenage beauty pageant. “It’s been bothering me for years,” Piquet told us, “I looked like a complete idiot when I tried to kick him and missed…”
Want more?
- Read the transcript of Senna v Irvine here
- Read DC's take on Lewis Hamilton's outburst
- More motor sports action on redbull.com
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